Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
