I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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