my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
