it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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