party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana