I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?