I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I fill condoms, not promises.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
