I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.