This girl is more easily done than said...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened