i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
sex in a hospital.. check
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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