Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
