apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night