i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
