SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
