I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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