There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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