my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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