the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
