There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
