I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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