remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
