it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
