you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
