two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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