he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
