Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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