sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
