6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
