my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
