I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He better not be in your backpack
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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