I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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