my phone needs a breathalizer
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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