I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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