Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
