A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
