all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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