I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
