i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
