He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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