i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
