Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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