U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
