the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
