Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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