Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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