Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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