i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
