ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
