theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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