Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
