cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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