You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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