plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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