i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
