toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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