Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I party with great urgency now.
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