You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
