a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just got carded by a ten year old.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
