have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
