I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
