Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
