Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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