That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My penis needs a shock collar
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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