i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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